Mother's day

So today I think.
3rd mother’s day without.

It always feels like the first.

I never really get this sad on father's day, perhaps it's because I can't quite recall all the father's days with my pa.

I wish that I had had more money way back when to have given her more presents so she would have known how appreciated she was on mother's day.
You never really can get them the right gift until you remember all the things you could have gotten them after they can no longer receive them.

We go out to eat, now, and get aunt Karen big presents to show our appreciation…but she doesn’t deserve them nearly as much as mother did.
And I am growing sunflowers now, ten. I am growing one for everyone who needs one and since it is mother’s day, I will grow one for momma.

But I cannot quite handle this.

The past two mother’s days have been survivable, but this one is killing me.
I am getting ready to go back home and I am getting ready to go live in the city where my mother first came into the world, and I am going to the school that she always wanted so badly for me to go to…I am getting ready to spread my wings and fly away and graduate from high school and I will look in the stands and see a bunch of empty faces.

I’ll sit on this mother’s day, listening to the Dixie Chicks, remembering all the old things. I will remember sitting on the front porch with coffee and a blanket wrapped around us, watching the sunrise by the pond.

I will drink to you, momma.

Happy mother’s day.
I miss you.